That Awkward Moment

72 hours before recovery...

2011-10-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

Number 4, I should have known that it would take more than thirty six hours to recover from this last loss.

I can't explain what miscarriage feels like to other women because I am sure there is an individual context that doesn't always embody each person's experience. I can tell you what the fourth one in a row feels like, to me.

There's a sense of isolation that doesn't linger for too long, but long enough to knock a person off their normal stride.

It's ugly and it's messy and embarrassing and private.

It's not a secret but it's not something I want other people discussing with me without my being prepared for it. It's a vulnerability that I just don't want to share with everyone, even though, here I am writing about it.

It's shocking and jarring, leaving me feeling emotionally raw, as if the wound in my core is outwardly manifested throughout my whole being. In the early hours and days, it sneaks up on me, manifested through fatigue, or that odd feeling I don't immediately recognize as a hormonal shift, and even if I do...even if I can rationalize it, there's still no convincing the irrational, emotional, painful side of the feeling of defeat when I just can't control my body.

Like other shocking acute diagnoses, there's really no knowing how the other people in the family are affected by the loss of a hope or a possibility.

In this house, the husband doesn't know how to react or vocalize, and it seems like for him nothing happened aside from a minor disappointment.

While I am trying to cope with the physical, hormonal, emotional response my body will not let me avoid, I wonder if he feels anything other than a mild disappointment because he isn't talking about it. Going to the doctor and having to discuss it, endure the humility of a physical exam and having to examine the miscarriage from the inside out feels like I am a case study or a newscast of a disaster -- my body is the house lifted and disheveled by the earthquake and everyone else is the sympathetic observer, not knowing what to do or say.

In the meantime, I have a sensitive child who survived the hostile environment within my womb who is set to save the world, starting with doling out hugs and big empathetic eyes when I have decided the day has been long enough and I have endured enough.

When I am done stumbling over myself and my emotions into my loved ones; the husband (who seems fine) suffering collateral damage from the aftershocks of what continues to be a waiting game-- I realize that I have to be stronger than I want to be, because I don't want my child to carry my burdens.

I want the partner who helped try and create this life that didn't quite make it to be there, to share and to feel.

I want to be angry with him, but he's just as much at a loss as anyone else.

There's something that momentarily turns me emotionally inside out, that is less shocking than the first miscarriage, but it still doesn't prepare me for the raw emotion that I can't always wall up immediately, and it seeps through the cracks.

Life, Authentically

2011-10-12T02:45:00.000-07:00

Some might call it a simple way to live, and some might consider living a truly authentic life one of the most difficult tasks a person has ever attempted.

It all depends on outlook.

Nearly every day, I wake up wondering, "Is this where I am supposed to be?" and "What could I (should I) be doing differently?"

Some might say that I "contemplate my navel(whatever that means)" way too often. But in all truth, it creates an honesty within myself.

Sometimes I don't have the answers for the how. All I know is, if I have to ask a question too often, obviously the answer is one I have chosen to ignore.

Ignoring what is in front of you is not living an authentic life.

Living authentically takes acceptance, of yourself, or your reality, of your hopes, aspirations,your talents, your abilities, your RIGHT NOW.

Right now?
I'm overweight and it scares me. I don't have a workout plan and I don't get up early enough to add a workout into my daily schedule?

Right now?
I waste a lot of time when I am done with work. I could be spending more time with my daughter, teaching her how to cook, going for walks, making plans. I could be baking, organizing my storage room, applying to my 'dream jobs' and researching more school options.

Right now?
I am happy with my marriage, my child, and the successes I have achieved to this point. But there are more things I could achieve and avoidance will not get them done.

Right now I have a safety net in my husband's career.
Right now I only have 4.5 years left before my daughter chooses whether or not she moves away to college.

Right now, I am impatient and there are some serious considerations I have to make in our future, because that safety net could go away.

Right now, I am wishing I had listened to a wise family member who told me I should enjoy the time that I have in the freedom that I have-- because it is fleeting.

No, He's not.

2008-12-15T10:51:00.001-08:00

"Jesus is the Reason for the Season"

I see this banner in many places and on church billboards. OFten times it is used as a way to remind people to be humble over the holidays and to slam others of us into feeling guilty for the commercialism and excess that we bring forth in the name of Christmas.

For those people, I would like to say, "No, he's not."

While our Christian forefathers and brethren have woven the tale of Christ's birth into this time of year, and slapped the "Christ's Mass" to it, the celebration of Him is not altogether true in the reasoning for the seasoning...er season.

The Encyclopedia Britannica (1949, article 'Christmas') says—
"CHRISTMAS (the 'Mass of Christ') ... Clement of Alexandria (about 200 AD) mentions several speculations on the date of Christ's birth, and condemns them as superstitious ... The exact day and year of Christ's birth have never been satisfactorily settled. When the Fathers of the Church in AD 340 decided upon a date to celebrate the event, they wisely chose the day of the Winter Solstice, which was firmly fixed in the minds of the people, and which was their MOST IMPORTANT FESTIVAL."
The Encyclopedia Americana (1946, article 'Christmas') says the same—
"CHRISTMAS, the 'Mass of Christ'… In the 5th century the Western Church ordered it to be celebrated forever on the day of the old Roman feast of the Birth of Sol (the Sun)… Among the German and Celtic tribes, the Winter Solstice was considered an important point of the year, and they held their chief festival of Yule to commemorate the return of the burning-wheel (the sun)." Webster derives 'Yule' from Old Norse Jol, meaning 'Winter Feast.' Schaff-Herzog says: 'The Scandinavian Juul, and the Anglo-Saxon Geol, mean 'wheel,' and refer to the Winter Solstice.'
And Everyman's Encyclopedia says—
"CHRISTMAS (the Mass of Christ) … It is certain that the time now fixed could not by any possibility have been the period of Jesus' birth. The choice of this season was probably due to the general recognition that the Winter Solstice was the turning point of the year."

To sum, basically, the "reason for the Season" is actually paganism and the tendency of Christianity to slap a Saintly feast day and celebration on already existing customs in order to further the religion.

So if I really wanted to incense people who have not studied theology and history, I could say the ancient pagan birth of the Sun god is the reason for the season, or the death of Osiris in Ancient Egypt is the reason for the season, or the winter celebration of Yule is the reason for the season. Constantine and the fathers of the modern Church just decided to give it a facelift and repackage it as a Christian holiday.

Why do I say this? Because every year I hear some Christian preachers condemn, judge and chastise the excess. More than not I hear it from further removed Protestant faiths. I find it perplexing considering that the holiday and feast day for Christ was selected for celebration and amid a time in pagan and pre-Christian religions that was intended to feast and celebrate.

The frustrating thing that most aggravates me is the juxtaposition of celebration and joy against the temperance of old world Christianity. It's ok to celebrate this time of year, but only in the way deemed appropriate by the leaders of a church.

Funny, if one were to read and study what Christ and his apostles followed and spoke, they would realize that the judgment, the holier-than-thou attitude and the handing down of laws and decrees and the creation of a class system is exactly what he stood against. Never once in the Bible do we read of any celebration Christ had for himself in regards to his birthday. But we do hear about his embrace of heathens and pagans and non-Jews because they were more open to what he had to say, and they celebrated and understood life sometimes more than those who were moored in man's law created in the name of their God.

I suppose what incenses me the most is the tendency of people to embrace to the letter what is meant for interpretation. If people truly followed the teachings of Christ and not the old testament or what the leaders of the churches that have sprouted over the years following his death have to say, they would live a life more like that of the Hindu or the Buddhist.

I get frustrated when people will deny the facts behind the creation of what is known as the Bible. They are selected writings, sanctioned by groups of men who determined how they wanted their Church to unfold. Both the New and Old testament are. No matter which version is presented or interpreted, they are oral communications then written down and then reinterpreted into a new language and then pared down from hundreds of writings into the ones that a group of men decided should be handed out as "The Word."

Why do I bring this up? Because the hypocrisy of condemning a group of people for being "Godless" or heathenistic because they do not go to church, or because they purchase gifts or decorate their homes to celebrate the Christmas season is absurd. This seasonal celebratory time existed long before Christ's manger was strategically placed next to the pagan "tannenbaum" (aka Christmas tree). (Germanic tribes lighted trees (Tannenbaum) and celebrated the fest of light "Lichtfest" around the shortest day of the year, December 21. The Christmas tree is dated to 16th century Germany, and it was popularised across the Western world in the 18th and 19th centuries.)

So I say this, to the puritanical Christian faiths, Jesus is not the reason for this season. You can't celebrate the season and say that he is. The only ones who got it right were the Jehovah's Witnesses and faiths like theirs, who don't celebrate the season because of the rampant heathen origins.

As for me, I have two Christmas trees. One green, one cotton tree (which is another blog for another day). I have a manger and little baby Jesus (thank you Ricky Bobby). I acknowledge my faith origins and follow the traditions established by my culture, my faith and my familial traditions. But I don't for one second condemn those who choose to simply celebrate Christmas or the Holidays simply to have a tree and buy presents and decorate their yards. Because that's where it started. A celebration. A reason to find joy in the winter of the year.

And it's OK to celebrate Jesus' birth on that day too. It's just not OK to forget that a handful of men decided to put the birthday party there over the top of already existing traditions 500 years after Christ had died.

And before random interlopers begin lambasting me as an atheist, a devil, a heathen, a blasphemer... I am none of those. I am an inquisitive intellectual who has no tolerance for ignorance, and I find it absolutely frustrating to be preached upon by those who have not pursued the origins of their faith or their traditions and follow incomplete theories of men, rather than seeking the truth in the Universal truth and what the founders of the faiths have spoken. Jesus, Muhammed, and Buddha (all walked into a bar...) taught and followed a faith looks nothing like the modern faces of the religions that represent them today. I have belief and I have faith. I do not believe that you can box a God into a human description or limit the power that comes with it (Him, or her if you prefer) with language, a specific organized religion or even deifying.

And I will celebrate the season how I choose, just as the people who originated it did, and just as the Christian church later dictated.

Responsibility. SO BE IT.

2007-08-25T10:10:00.001-07:00

Let me preempt this with the fact that these are opinions of mine, it does not reflect a lack of compassion for our fellow man, nor does it extend out of the arena of war... here goes.

I am a realist. To me, liberal politics are ideology in the face of reality. They're good on paper and in the hearts of mankind, but they don't really work in the real world, most of the time…especially in war.

I do not like death, or war, or greed, or hate crimes, or an over controlling government.

I believe in giving back to communities, doing something, instead of just bitching about it. I believe in volunteering, and donating time and talents to charity, because even if you have no money whatsoever to spare, anyone can spare an hour a month.
Believe in hard work, doing your best. If you have a job, you have a responsibility to your employer to give your best while you are there.

I believe in being a good parent, being a good parent means setting boundaries, having rules, listening to your child, being involved in their lives, knowing who their friends are, having a bed time, teaching them morals, shielding them from things that are below their maturity level, being honest, knowing what goes on in their school, knowing their teacher, helping them not make the same mistakes you did, but also letting them learn from their mistakes, and making them face the consequences of their actions, all the while, loving them, no matter what.

I believe in responsibility.

In war...
I believe that there are times when you cannot be diplomatic, you cannot step into a battle and be half-ass. War to protect the home front should stop at nothing. War on foreign soil... requires you to learn the enemy. Learn their weaknesses and strengths, and utilize those to your advantage. Sometimes you have to dance with the devil to swipe that contract with your name on it. The advantage that insurgents have against some of our troops is they have no fear. They are willing to die for their victory. They have no restraints, no one barking at their heels telling them to be diplomatic, to use diplomacy in war. I laugh every time I think about the words diplomacy and war used in the same sentence. They use whatever means necessary to fight against our soldiers. And I guarantee you, if they could get hold of us over here, the families of the soldiers; they would use us to break the soldier, just as they do over there, to keep the "free" people of Iraq from cooperating with the "infidel Americans."

As much as I want things to get better, to wave a magic wand and make it all go *poof,* common sense tells me that no matter what we come up with, the solution will not be quick.

People say "pull out of Iraq." And heaven knows, I would LOVE that. But what most people do not understand, is pulling out quickly would cause the collapse of the entire area, and would be such a logistical nightmare. There aren't enough planes in the sky and ships on the sea to carry the manpower and equipment we have over there, back, in one fell swoop. And if we did that in large chunks, I can only imagine the steps that would be taken to cause a problem for us. People think we have huge losses now in our troops, HA! Pull out the wrong way, and our soldiers will be slaughtered. The money it would take for a massive retreat could quite possibly, send our economy not only into a recession, but a depression. We have no large allies to assist us in the economical or logistical. Perhaps when we have a new administrative team, fresh faces, then the world's leaders may be more willing to bring NATO back into Iraq, not for occupation, but for a resolution. Not because, as a human, our current leader is a bad person, but because as a politician, the world has grown weary of the American figurehead. In general, they believe the war was a mistake to begin with, and they cannot forgive us for that. The philosophy is "you made this mess, you clean it up."

Some people say "we should have never been over there to begin with." Well hindsight is 20/20, isn't it? Shoulda, coulda, woulda, doesn't get a damned thing done, and neither does bitching about what we should have done, what we could have done, what is flawed in the logic of beginning the war. You can't undo it, you just can't. So, shut the hell up about it already. It takes time to fix something of this magnitude. I am aware of that.

The problem is pride. And so many people are so hell bent on being RIGHT in their thought process, and indignant, and pompous, that they refuse to see past their own theories, and refuse to open up to a solution, to think how they could make a difference. Dissention in the American public has grown rampant, educated minds are so willing to argue, but not willing to understand anything beyond the ideology of a peaceful world, or how to move forward. It's a helluva a lot easier to point out what's wrong than it is to try to come up with a solution and it's a helluva lot easier to find a scapegoat than to take responsibility ourselves for the way our environment is. What, exactly, does pointing the finger accomplish? If a house burns down, what is more important? Accusing the person who was responsible? Or finding a new place to live, or rebuilding that home?

How can judging, and making noise, and going off on long diatribes about the corruption of governmental figures, and the economy, and moral corruption make the world a better place? How can we make a difference? I can assure you, doing anything, even if it's just sending notebooks to children in third world countries, writing our congressmen, registering to vote, and VOTING, makes a difference, and WAY more of an impact than sitting on our butts, naked on a bean bag chair eating cheetos,(shout out to Ron White) bitching about the state of the world.

I get frustrated when people who are Americans, do not want to work, because physical labor is below them, but they bitch about illegal immigrants, the economy, outsourcing jobs to other countries, globalization... put on a hat, and take your ass to the employment office.

*sigh* But I digress, that's a different blog.

Readers of this blog might ask... "What then do you propose we do about Iraq, since Iraq is the hot button item that everybody wants a resolution to?"

I propose a meeting of the great minds of the world at large, consult and come up with a strategy that everyone can agree on to fix it, or at least leave Iraq in a state that can be built upon, and not the headache it is at present. We have to have help from the other large countries. I know that this is being attempted now, but I also believe that we as an American society as a whole, need to become more humble and open to hearing other ideas and opinions in order for the world to take us seriously. (Right now, as a group, we are seen as lazy, pompous, arrogant, spoiled, irresponsible, hot headed people by the majority of the free world.)

For the time being, as much as I hate to admit it, we need more manpower in Iraq, more troops. Why? To squelch the uprisings, to help renovate and rebuild the power grids and lines damaged by us and saboteurs, and to sustain those numbers long enough to slowly begin a backtrack inward toward Baghdad, and downward until we reach the shores, and pulling back upward from the north back into Turkey, to exit. This will take time, more money, and more soldiers. But it's the only logical way to fix things. If we begin pullout without the added numbers to protect the free people of Iraq, we will leave them in the state they began, perhaps worse, where the majority is poor and oppressed, tribes will be faced with genocide, and the few and corrupt are rich and in power.

This will not help the view of America in the eyes of the Muslim nation, the world, or the Iraqi people. If we exit Iraq in the wrong way, and abandon this mess we have made, our safety here, on our land, will be greatly jeopardized, as well as the safety of European nations, Democratic nations, worldwide. We started this mess; we cannot just pull out because we are tired of it. We do have a responsibility to the Iraqi people, the nations around it, and our country, to fix it. This was why other nations did not want to begin or participate in the resolution of the trouble in Iraq, to begin with, but now that it has begun, the safety of the future in Democratic nations, lies in participation from NATO and other countries. If nothing else, we at least need the understanding and support of our own people.

We need allied countries to help us monitor the borders of Iraq, to assist in keeping out more saboteur and insurgents, to help soothe leaders in other Muslim nations.

There is no going back and looking at why this war started, it does not matter why any longer. What matters now, is that we fix it, and we do it right. It does not matter who began the fight, or who made a mistake, or what was there, or the oil, or the money. What matters now, is if the majority of the world, and our nation want us out of there, then they have to get behind the people who are willing to make it happen, and assist in making a difference. If that means enlisting in the military to help strengthen the numbers, so be it. If that means voting in a person who can soothe the world's leaders to get assistance in a resolution, so be it. If that means writing our congressmen every damned day with suggestions and not just whining complaints, so be it. If that means raising taxes, getting a job to help support the economy, buying EE bonds, or any bonds to help fund the resolution, so be it. If that means donating time, money or talents to peace agencies to help the social structure of the Iraqi people rather than running a smear campaign on why the war is wrong, so be it. If that means sending care packages to the future leaders of Iraq, the children, and sending school supplies, medical supplies, toys. SO BE IT.

We have a responsibility as human beings to do more than complain about the state of the world, and the war in Iraq. We have a responsibility to act upon the desire for a resolution. And we have a responsibility to stop pointing fingers, stop griping about why it began, stop saying to pull out the troops while not offering or considering HOW, and to start supporting a plan that will actually allow us to do that, even if it means an inconvenience in out pampered lives for the time being. Selflessness and humility is something we all could use more of. We have enough arrogance and opinions to fill a black hole.

It's time to start using our heads, and laying our pride and arrogance and emotions aside, and be sensible about the world, our place in it, and a resolution to the war in Iraq, and the apathy of our nation.

repost of ideas on God

2007-02-18T17:05:00.001-08:00

Normally, I am viewed as pretty conservative, in my general views of life. But, usually, thats because I keep my thoughts to my self, and on any given day, I can see both sides of a view, and rather than coming off ambiguous or indecisive or even flaky, I just smile and nod.
Nothing makes me feel more "connected", than getting out and doing something constructive. That often leads into contemplation, and then, thats when the trouble starts. Now hopefully, I haven't lost any of you yet...
I was cutting grass today, feeling the warmth of the sun, the breeze blowing on my skin, and it was blissful. A moment of peace and contentment. And I began thinking about something I sometimes do.
What if "God" and all these fights over "Him" is just because of our misunderstanding in what our creator is, or how we came to be?
What if "God" is actually energy flow? Not energy as we define it, because we are limited by our human abilities to comprehend beyond our meager existence and egomania?
I mean, stop and think for a minute before you get emotional about this.
Everything on this planet and beyond has some sort of energy, chemical makeup, atoms that have electrons that are animate. Even inanimate objects, like rocks, are worn down over time to provide minerals and salts and materials which can be in turn used for animate, living things somehow. We are always somehow connected in our surroundings. The continuity of our connections and how we effect our surroundings does not stop once we are no longer in the same surroundings. Our negative energy impacts the world around us... people around us, as does our positive energy.
Our souls are our internal energy that connects us with the people, places and things around us, and even things we can't really fathom. Our hearts and our brains are regulated by chemical and electrical firings, which is energy. We must have food that provides energy to live, and energy can be harnessed to make our lives more comfortable, and when we expend energy to contemplating our connection to the world through prayer or internal examination, or doing nice things for others, or connecting on a friendship or sexual level with another person, it makes us in turn feel more complete because we have tapped into that energy we need to feel alive.
I think that "God" is how we translate that universal and ethereal energy within ourselves, or how our brains or our "souls" can interpret the Universal truth. I really, truly think that a Universal language is "math" or what we call math. So many things can be explained, predicted, and understood through the breakdown of variables. What if math is our missing link to creation's truth? Why does science and "God" have to be against one another? What if it is just a different definition of the same formula?
Now by no means am I a math or science whiz, these are just things I think about and wonder.
I never understood either debate of Big Bang vs Creation Theory nor Evolution vs Divine Creation. To me they were the same things.
We, as humans, can create things that have existed only in our thoughts. If thought is a harnessing of an energy not yet defined in a way people can agree upon, why then could there not be a divine energy that brought forth the earth we live on? (I guess this thought process is harder to explain than I had hoped). What if Christ, Buddha, Mohammed, Moses, and all other spiritual leaders just knew some of these things, an inherent knowledge of things we do not understand, and used them to guide us to internal peace and the peace of humanity? Enlightened Christians know that Christ died not because he was "God's son" but because he was feared by the people who were controlling those who followed the rules of their religion or their leaders. Organized religion sometimes limit us to our abilities to see others, and their views. People who take a work of literature that has been written and rewritten and cut and reworded to suit the philosophies of the faith they are following are truly missing out. Because the Bible, I believe, is a guidebook to allow you to interpret things. It's writings were passed on for generations and word of mouth. The bairds of the ancient world adding flourishes here and there to hold the attention of their listeners, their followers. And when it was written it was written in Sumerian, Latin, Greek, German and then English. Do you know there are hundreds if not thousands of words in those older ancient languages that do not translate to English? How then could you think of taking it for face value, rather than a guide book to finding yourself and how you fit into the world, and possibly the universe?
As a teen, (before the evolution theory began being dismantled by new scientific discoveries) I got that the creation theory and the evolution theory could go hand in hand. I looked at is as a way an artist begins with a blank form. He has an idea of what he wants, but he's not really sure how to get there, so he starts working. Before the final result is EVER unveiled, the clay may take on several shapes or forms, or it may turn out as something different than the original intention but nonetheless, a work of art, so the artist saves it and begins a new work, maybe as a series.
The problem is, we can all look at a work of art or literature, or a person, and we all have varying opinions and thoughts. But most of us, because we want to be the most significant, and feel the most superior and important, close ourselves off to other ideas. We are too unenlightened and settled in our own ways, too egomaniacal, to listen and pick out the valid points that the other person may see.
How you express your spirituality or your belief is how your brain and your life translates the Universal energy and knowledge. That can apply to every single person on this planet I think, but that's just me in my philosophical moment.
My dad and I had a discussion about this once, and he is a very hard headed, closed minded person, the thing that shocked me the most was after it was all over he said "Have you ever thought about ministry?" This from a man who hates organized religion. I told him no,
1. because I am catholic, and my thoughts might be too radical and there's no way I think I could be a nun, plus I'm married.
2. because I think everyone is entitled to feel how they do about their spirituality,and I am not the person to guide anyone, it is their journey. If they feel that this is it, their time here is just what they have and nothing more, then that is for them to solidify.
3. (I didn't tell him this) I am too depraved and too human
But I was flattered. I don't really look at it as anything other than thought. I don't look to lead other people. These are just my feelings, because I have the ability to stand back and be objective, because I don't have an easy time getting emotionally involved in anything or anyone, that makes it easier to observe and see all sides.
I had so many funny things I wanted to blog about today, but this one took the forefront.
So, great grass cutting thought process huh?